Part 3

There was no answer to that. None that mattered.

I thought about every night I had stayed awake, turning over theories about what had happened at that camp. Every flyer I had printed. Every search group meeting I had driven to. And every time I had asked Sophie whether she remembered anything new, anything at all, from that morning.

I had been so desperate to bring Maya home that I had treated Sophie like a witness. Like a source of information. Not like a child who had lost her sister too and was now silently losing her mother.

I had looked straight through her.

“I thought if I accepted that Maya was gone,” I said slowly, “then she’d really be gone. Like saying it out loud would make it real.”

“I know,” Sophie said.

“I know, Mom.”

She rested her head against my shoulder. I felt the weight of her there, warm and real, and something inside my chest broke open.

“Every time I said her name,” Sophie whispered, “you cried. So I stopped saying it. And then I had nobody to talk to about her. I had nobody at all, Mom.”

“I’m so sorry, baby,” I said. “I am so sorry I made you feel alone in this.”

“I just wanted my twin sister back,” Sophie added. Her voice was very steady, the way a person’s voice gets when they have rehearsed something for a long time. “But I wanted my mom back, too.”

We stayed on the stairs until the light outside faded gray.

I had spent a year frantically trying to save the daughter I had lost. I had failed to see that I was losing the daughter still beside me.

I almost lost both.

One week later, Sophie and I drove to the lake.

It was the same road to camp. The same narrow turnoff lined with trees, the same gravel crunching beneath the tires.

Sophie looked out at the water while I parked, her chin resting in one hand, her expression calmer and more open than it had been since Maya disappeared.

Together, we walked to the edge of the dock.

The lake was the same pale blue-green, the kind of color too beautiful for what it might be holding.

“I think she liked it here,” Sophie said after a while. “She always said camp was the one place that felt like something was actually happening.”

“She hated being bored,” I replied. “Even for five minutes.”

Sophie smiled. Not the careful, watchful smile I had become used to. A real one.

“Do you remember the summer she made us take the paddleboat out at six in the morning? She wanted to watch the mist come off the water.”

“I remember I was furious,” I said.

“It was beautiful,” I agreed.

We talked about Maya for a long time. Not about the search. Not about the case, the camp, or all the things we still did not know and might never know.

We talked about her.

How she ate cereal dry because she hated when milk got warm. How she always fell asleep in the car within four minutes. How she laughed, loud and sudden.

Maya had lived. She would keep living inside us.